Dylan told me recently that some people have a heightened ability to sympathize with others and even feel the sorrows and the joys of others.
Dylan has been one of my best friends for a good while- I've known him for almost three years now. There have been many times that I go to text him or say a word to him, and pick up the unspoken sense that something is wrong along with his verbal response.
Dylan's well being crosses my mind almost daily. And almost every day I wonder how Jimmy John's customer service is treating Sophie. I remember a year ago and the struggles I faced senior year and wonder if Sam and Thomas feel the same way.
I wonder how my family is coping from Florida to Chicago to Holland and to Howell.
This past week left me feeling more vulnerable and weak than I have in a long while. I used to struggle with paranoia and anxiety- now I am proud to say that I have pushed away those feelings with love, confidence, and drive.
This past week though, I wanted to lay in bed or be in Holland. My uncle Fabian had died, I knew that my aunt Sue was going, and it has been nearly a year since I watched my aunt Deb watch my uncle Bill die for three days in a hospital.
I was haunted by flashbacks I did not want to have. I was haunted by the heartbreak I know my aunt Barb feels without Fabian, my aunt Deb still feels for Bill, and now the heartbreak of my uncle LaVern, and cousins Alexis, Nick, and Gabby, for my now past aunt Sue.
Those are only the deaths and health problems that my Dad's side of the family have been facing.
So I have my own sorrow for all these deaths, but even more I imagine the sorrow that those who were even closer to my deceased relatives feel. The relatives that saw the deceased every single day and will no longer be able to.
It's a lot to carry all these broken hearts in my heart while continuing school and work and life- and I should probably put a filter on how much emotion I let in.
This past week left me in a cynical and scary mindset. Why is life so heartbreaking? Why can't I be physically there for my family? Why do I feel so alone on a campus full of wonderful people whom I know love me? How do I focus on school right now? What should I do to escape these disgusting feelings? Is being a compassionate person worth this struggle of questioning and emotions?
It is. I am blessed with a gift. When Dylan spoke to me he registered that, yes it is difficult to feel the hurt of others so much, yet he was portraying my sympathizing abilities as a gift. Rightfully so.
Emotions give me drive. Emotions give me appreciation.
Emotions drive me to do great things: get an education, pursue God, love my family, love my friends, help animals, help the environment, make music.
Emotions give me appreciation for my blessings. I have a very large family who is very hospitable and joyous. That makes the loss of Fabian and Sue and Bill so hard. They were great people and they are so violently missed even though they are on to greater things. I appreciate the greatness of the family I still have. A mom who sends me animal videos. A dad who expresses his wish to give me a big hug though he is prevented by distance. Siblings who give me council and joy and trouble. Nieces who have given me unconditional, childlike love in very tough times.
Alma is also wonderful. I have an editor in chief who was very forgiving as I muddled through work yesterday and also sent me animal videos. I have the "Newberry squad" girls who work out with me and quick sadness's ass with endorphins. I have "the economists" who sing rock ballads to me and hug me and make me play an alien fighting video game. I have a sassy boyfriend who simultaneously understands the mental-emotional struggles I face, yet keeps a level head which influences me to be more calm. And I want to especially thank my dear friend Anna Weber for her loving and wise council- even when she has her hands full with figuring out post college life.
Emotions are very big and can hurt very much but they are a gift that can be utilized for greatness and concentrated into the best emotion of all: Love.
Goodbye for now uncle Bill. I used to jump in your arms and you would let out a delighted and loving, "oooh!" And you carried me around Florida with a toddler toting backpack thing.
Goodbye for now uncle Fabian. You left me flustered and frustrated in the amused sense. You give me anecdotal advice about love and heartbreak. We discussed Don Quixote.
Goodbye for now aunt Sue. You laid claim to any potential goats belonging to the potential zoo that I would potentially own. If I ever own a goat it will be for you.
