Christmas Day Antifears

• Max misread the name "Nelly" as "Nehliel"
• I saw a red fox!
• Night hike at Riley Trails with Dylan, Joey, and Anna
• I'm not sure how I feel about the fact that a woman placed her small dog in a dog carrier on the counter as I rung her European up at JCPenney
• Dylan and I ran into Dylan at Meijer- Christmas shopping was a struggle for Dylan but we got really good Eclaires 
• I drove Sophie and Thomas to the edge of Allegan and we saved some shoes from teh middle of the road on the way
• I found my calling and it is winning at scattegories for three consecutive rounds
• I went to a really nice Christmas Eve service last night
• Steve gave me and Tiffany red velvet cake balls that Julie expertly crafted
• I participated in the first ever WO Choir alumni openhouse
• I am having a fire in the fireplace and I remembered to open the chute
• Jon Van Oss gifted to me a really great Rufus Wainwright CD

Double Scoop Anti Fear List because I forgot last week

• I tied bows into the hair of Joanna, Anna, Eric, another Eric, Jeremy, and Luke in celebration of Anna's birthday.
• I also made Luke a lacey garter but then used the lacey fabric to tie a bow on Anna's money plant from Charles
• Roger and I sang Phantom of the Opera songs while Luke played the piano in Birmingham 
• Fudruckers has very very good food
• Someone- I don't remember who- told me a tale of salmon loaf which is meatloaf with salmon I think
• I helped Anna help an indigo snake shed
• I celebrated the completion of my Pre Calc and Chemistry finals by reuniting with the nature
• I reunited with a lot of awesome people and the awesome Holland Civic Theatre Christmas show
• Dylan and I hiked Riley Trails and talked and climbed a dead tree I should not have lead us in to climbing
• The joy that the Goon Christmas Album brings me
• Andrew and Alex decided that they will now call Luke Ann from Arrested Development because Ian didn't realize that he had just met Luke the previous Sunday. Him? him?
• Coining the term "bottom skimmies" for the bottom oreo layer of Monica's bursday cake
• Heading to Joe's after swing dance with really awesome friends and laughing a lot and stopping on the way to blues dance with Luke at the Chapel party
• Pooge has been sharing very good music things with me as of late
• I wore my WOSWE dress to the Christmas concert and went up on stage for the alumni portion and people thought my dumb self satisfying humor was funny
• Cookies and misadventure video games and bears with Ricky, Hannah, Allison, and Dylan
• Going to Russ's and discussing great things and listening to great music with Ally, Addie, and Sam
• Having a very unique Christmas party with my friends
• Jon Van Oss is just as sassy as ever
• Loudly appreciating Jordan's joke via laughter when no one else appreciated it
• Macaroons at Ambrose with Soph and looking directly past each other- no eye contact
• I learned Lindy and Charleston swing!
• I reunited with Anna and she called me a pissbaby
• I taught Anna's friend the froghop
• Swing dance Lauren uses many bird metaphors and is going to introduce me to her other lindy hopping zoologist friend who keeps coatis sometimes
• I played worm with my siblings 
• 
  

Animal of the Day (for my best friend Sophie): Victoria Crowned Pigeon

The Victoria Crowned Pigeon is one of three large land pigeons in its genus and hail from the New Guinea area.
These pigeons make deep whooping noises. They know how to commemorate the joys of life with good noises.
The Victoria Crowned Pigeon is exceptionally beautiful with a crown of feathers,  maroon-purple chest, and black barring on the wings. These guys and gals are about 30 inches long and can nearly 8 pounds. This makes the Victoria the largest living pigeon on earth.
Victoria Crowned Pigeons have a wing chord (wing length) of  14-15 inches. These wings make a loud clapping noise win the pigeon flies.
The pigeons like to travel in groups, and walk about the forest floor looking for fallen fruit. If they are disturbed, they will retreat into the canopy.
Males tend to get along, but may have feuds during mating season in which they puff up their chip, raise their wings, dash at each other, and occasionally hit each other.
Males swing their head and wag their tail to attract the ladies to made late during the wet season and during the dry season and likely continue a monogamous relationship. Males proceed to help the female build a nest to host a single egg.
The chicks leave the nest at a small size but parents continue to watch over them for 13 weeks. Part of the care includes feeding the young crop milk. Both male and female pigeons (along with flamingos) produce a milk that they regurgitate for the young.
Victoria Crowned Pigeons have a vulnerable status: they are sought after for their plumage and are the least common in wild of the the crowned pigeons.

ANTI FEAR LIST THURSDAY LIVE FROM THE ALMANIAN DUNGEON WHERE I WAS STUDYING

• Going to the EPA comment and information session on a local Super Fund site: learning about the situation; being able to understand all the terminology; being inspired to not become a snappy journalist or a robotic scientist. 
• Also static stylized Christmas music and story telling on the drive to the EPA thing
• Falling asleep at the very end of keeping Luke company/keeping Luke awake while he practiced piano and I studied Chemistry. 
• Anna telling me to go to class because I was singing lots of Christmas carols and wearing an "I Dearly Love Christmas" sweater shirt and quoting Elf. 
• Doc shared with Glee Choir that he knows what "bitchy resting face" is. 
• Trying to fist fight Jacob but the setting, Student Congress, was not appropriate
• Strobel asked me to write an editorial for the West Ottawan
• Wrapping my head in a Mrs. Pierson esque scarf wrap during rehearsal and most definitely impressing Luke-as the rolling of his eyes clearly showed.
• Monica set me straight and made me eat dinner with her and Paige and Audrey and Dalia instead of studying. 
• I finally came up with an idea approved by The Economists and we are going to make Elf Spaghetti with lots of junk food on it tomorrow. 
• Chase and I can't perform the post chemistry lab hug anymore so we shall do post prayer meeting hug instead.
• I modeled a scarf while coyly ringing a hand bell during choir 
• Making cinnamon rolls and eating pineapple and drinking coffee with Raquel and Kelila before church- Raquel tricked me into thinking she was going to be gone to Mexico for a super long time
• Misadventure to Grandville with Dylan and Kelila and the best smoothie I have ever had 
• Nature adventure with my siblings and the creation of "The Tree Youth" and then Christmas tree and coffee 
• Playing Munchkin with Dylan, Brianna, and Justin using my chem flash cards and then Soph and Thom came
• Thomas expecting me to get his phone out of a very deep and curved heating vent with my college knowledge
• Making cinnamon roll waffles with Sophie and her MOM
• Lane gave me another handmade pipe
• Sophie and Andrew work together at Jimmy Johns 
• Photoshoot with gourd and Monica and Paige
• Talking about the oldest plants and botany with Uncle John
• Reuniting with Kelila and exchanging tassels 

Thankful Anti Fear List Thursday

• Howling at coyotes
• Allie giving me a calming back rub and the economists telling me to sleep and study more in the morning
• Pub quiz with Anna, Luke, Caroline, Jeremy, Deve, Cecelia and EricxEric
• Writing eric fan faction
• Pre calc team work
• Innovative coffee making because I broke my carafe.
• Rescuing the gourd with Monica and Paige from the Almanian dungeon
• Reunion cuddle with Boo for five thousand eons 
• Succeeding in being sneaky for once
• "Just ring the damn bells!"
• Sam visited Alma and we got pumpkin spice oreos!
• New sculpture thing in the ugly part of Holland
• JP's coffee is so so so sos osososososo so good
• Making cinnamon roll waffles with SOPHIE
• Trying to help Thomas get his phone out of a heating vent
• A very strange french movie I watched with Luke and the french students
• Relieving Almanian stress by listening to Luke and Allie and Paige and Monica play beautiful orchestra music
• A very special phone call from Paige at 11:30pm
• A beautiful coloring for Ian by my and contributed to by Luke who "did it for himself" not for Ian

I shouldn't

feel how I do right now- but that won't stop me from being an anxious piss baby.
I used to drive around Holland or bike and feel one part angsty one part exhilarated two parts full. Now I drive around and I am confused because I don't feel like I belong here anymore.

But I haven't settled in to Alma fully, so I feel I'm in purgatory. I haven't even let my leg hair fly free in Alma. I haven't let myself open up to people because I feel I should carry myself and not rely on others and I'm scared.

At least I have Boo to cuddle right now. Why am I not with Sophi and Thomas and Dylan right now. whaaat

ANTIFEAR LIST THURSDAY RISES FROM THE ASHES

It's been far too long my friend, you bring me hope, you rejuvenate me, you spread antifear

• I took a weird night time snow adventure with Jerome, Caroline, Michael, and Luke!
• Snow ball swing danced in the snow
• Successfully following as Luke did a blues to triple step to Charleston maneuver
• The wind couldn't thwart me and Pooge from smoking a tobacco pipe and then seeing Monica swim her heart out and then I took a nap with Pooge
• I took on Jerome, Luke, and Roger in a semi simultaneous battle
• I AM THE URBAN YOUTH AND MY HANDS SMELL LIKE TORTILLAS
• Walking in the night time winter snow while talking to Sam and remembering WO songs that will forever haunt me for better and for worse
• Talking to Monica while I eat refrozen ice cream
• Dopke told a story of the olden days when they had to calculate the sig figs of logs by hand and then gave us permission to respond, "That's a nice story grandpa."
• TEDx will not use Styrofoam. No.
• Lunch bond time with Anna
• Prayer team with super awesome The Lord's Prayer!

What I'm here for

It's been a long day. Tuesday's are grueling, just as everyday is academically at Alma College- and I have plenty of more homework and studying to do, but I felt it was important to write this now while the spark is in me.
I just watched and shared a video about the 6th era of extinction, which is happening right now. When I take in news about extinctions I become sad and my heart sinks and anxiety creeps in. I thought after this particular video, "Why don't people care? There are people who care and fight against extinction. But why are there so many who don't take the simplest steps to recycle or read the ways that "nuisances" such as wolves keep the ecosystem running?"
I've also had faltering moments while at Alma. I love Alma and it is my home, but it is a lot of work to be here. On bad days I question if I am intelligent enough to survive Alma or to deserve Alma.
The two ponderings, why people don't care about all these extinctions and if I am good enough to be at Alma, came together while I watched this video.
I deserve to attend Alma-I have what it takes to be at Alma- because I have passion. One of these passions is to fight extinction, fight pollution, and help humans coexist well with animals and the environment. I can obtain an education on what problems cause extinction and environmental damage. I can obtain an education on how to solve these problems. I can use what I learn to share with others my passion and spread a sense of caring. Because, extinction and pollution is not something that the few who already care and try and fight can conquer. It is a universal effort.
God is working through me and working in me and blessing me here. I am on my way to fulfilling dreams; I am fulfilling dreams; I am meeting new people I love; I am being helped by the people I love; and I am helping the people I love.
I am blessed to be here. I need to move forward and continue working hard with the knowledge that I am in the right place.

Here's the mentioned video

And here are some photos that remind me of how awesome Alma is and how much my friends and I belong here

I used to do this{ Animal of the day: Hummingbird hawk-moth

Hummingbird hawk-moths (Macroglossum stellatarum) are resilient through even the rain, which is odd for a moth. They also have the ability to recognize colors. Their memory seems to be quite good, exemplified by their return to the same flower beds every year.
These moths reside in the Old World of Europe and Asia: from Portugal to Japan in warm climates. There have been claimed sightings in Newfoundland, Canada as well. Though these sightings could be mistaking the hummingbird moth (Hemaris thysbe) of North America for the Hummingbird hawk-moth.
During the harsh Russian winters, just kidding Russia is too harsh for them, during winter the moths hide out in the crevices of rocks, buildings, trees and such. They may journey out on warmer days to look for food.
Hummingbird hawk-moth larvae are green with two cream stripes and a purple-red (later on blue with an orange tip) horn on their rear end.
The wings of the moth beat so fast, that they make an audible noise, like their namesake. As a pupae and full grown adult, the moths harbor a proboscis more prominent than most moths.

Internal Battle Royale

   I want to trust people; I like to trust people. I can trust most everyone easily, on a basic level.
   But when it comes to trusting them to the extent of unloading my soul and troubled thoughts on them, I can't do it anymore. No words come out. I try pushing them out and saying things but it catches in my throat and only releases cuts of words.
   If people invite me to speak what's on my mind, it's a little bit better. But ultimately I am battling the mindset that I am broken and think to much and that sharing my problems will burden and wear away at whomever I share them with, like a pebble in their shoe.
   This is all problematic because I want to form this deep relationship but I need to just relax. Relax.
   Just because I know I'm being ridiculous, doesn't mean it's easy to stop

Unfiltered Knowledge

   In the past two days of Alma I have learned about two very important topics that are not addressed in public school systems, and classes haven't even begun yet, I am still in orientation week.  
   One topic was environmental science and the fact that there are fish advisories available online, that share risks that eating fish present. Many fish are full of mercury and other toxins that endanger child development in the womb, whether the fish is consumed by the mother during the pregnancy, or years before the pregnancy. This is because the extent that Pure Michigan's waterways are polluted. More can be read baout the fish advisories here: http://www.michigan.gov/mdch/0,1607,7-132-54783_54784_54785_58671-255931--,00.html
   Secondly, I've learned that Hitler drew ideas for his concentration camps from boarding schools in America. From the beginning to the 1900s, up until the 1930s, a boarding school existed in Mount Pleasant, funded by the government, to forcefully remove Native Americans from their culture and beliefs. Native American children were forced from their parents in the great lakes regions, to attend this school. Only five deaths were recorded, but investigation that launched in 2011 has found around 200 deaths that weren't recorded by the government. The youngest death was that of a 1 year old named Alice who died of "accidental arsenic poisoning." More can be read bout this boarding school here: http://www.sagchip.org/ziibiwing/planyourvisit/pdf/aibscurrguide.pdf
   It's sickening that topics like these aren't more commonly taught about. Fish is eaten all the time, but women are only warned to cut back on fish during pregnancy. Field trips are taken to Native American museums, but manifest destiny is skimmed across and the Holocaust inspiring schools are unheard of.
   This knowledge that Alma has imparted me with in my very first days sparks a fire in me to make a difference. I now plan to pair my biology major with an environmental studies minor. Hopefully my studies will help me, help humans stop killing this earth. Global warming became a known threat back in the 1930s, yet conditions have grown terrible and awareness has grown little.
   History is not my focus, but a gift that Alma give is a varied knowledge. I can do my part to share what I've learned about America's history, so that future generations can learn, just as we've learned from the Holocaust, an event America readily scorns while remaining ignorant of our past. With out knowledge of these past events, we are less wary in the present and future. Learning about the boarding school in Mount Pleasant made me wonder if there are similar organizations going on today. If we can be so blind to a disgusting and long lasting piece of American history, what's stopping us from seeing disgusting activity happening today?
   I am exited to be at this school that is teaching me so much, igniting my passion constantly, and equipping me with the skills to make a difference. I hope others find their ways to learn and make changes as well.

I know I don't know if I'm saying goodbye

Just now I read the extremely kind things friends spoke to me through yearbook signing and I cried. Last night I stood in a pond while three of my best friends sat on the bank talking about pokemon and they couldn't see my face but I was crying some until a group of coyotes in the distance disturbed all of our thoughts.

I am leaving for Alma in a week and up to this point I had been nothing but excited. No apprehension or fear stepped foot in my body. But in the past week an underlying stress has pestered me.

I am moving away for the first time and leaving the things I have always known. I've been through a lot of change but I've never faced an experience like this, an experience where everything is changing. I haven't been able to see Kelila (I never could fully sympathize with how Kelila felt moving away from Holland until now and times like this, when I can sympathize with something I couldn't in the past, I have a flash back in my mind and sympathize better with the person) every day since the beginning of our friendship. I haven't been able to see Odessa and Hava every day for half a year. Now I won't get to see any of my family or friends every day.

I know, contrary to what some may believe, that moving to college does not mandate goodbyes or the ending of friendships. I know I can write letters and come home to visit or have visitors or use social media or the phone. But no matter what there are permanent changes. I don't get to share my choir experiences with Mrs. Pierson or Sophie or Thomas or Parker or Mackenzie or Keyanna or Ally or Addie or Annie or Annika or Paige or Maddie or Sam or Doniven or Ania or Ms. Bergsma or Ms. Rowsy or Mrs. Florip or Mr. Dale Pierson or Andrew or Ms. Verdonk or Mr. Samson or Emma or Ricky or Danny or Caleb or Mandy or Felicia or the list goes on for a long time.

 I don't get to share a common town with the people I grew up with and the people who I came to meet. The people at Alma aren't going to understand Captain Sundae or the north and south side being separated by major stank or the escapes of Stu Visser trails, riley trails, tunnel park, insert your favorite nature area.

One can't constantly process and think about another's life as much as one experiences one's own life. That is why when we reunited with people we say things like, "I can't believe you're so big," "I can't believe you're already a Junior," "Just yesterday you were eating bugs while garbed in a diaper." While I am living my life in Alma, others' lives will keep moving as well and I won't be able to keep up with all the strands.

Alma will turn me in many directions and give me vast opportunities that may, as a side effect, take me further away from Holland and from everything I've known. I may go study the dance patterns of lizards in the Galapagos or sing in Scotland or serve in Swaziland and therefore spend even less time in Holland.

Even if I am not saying goodbye to everyone I know, big big changes are flooding in all at once and I have no idea how that will shake my life or my relationships and that is scary. I love so many people so much and I don't want to lose them to time or distance or lack of communication or being cut off.

I can do some things to prevent losing relationships. I can communicate a lot and visit home when possible. But many factors are out of my hands. So I must focus on what is in my power. I am very glad I got baptized in my LORD this summer and that I have a refreshing of soul and passion and spirit and that I can take on what ever God walks me through.

I am still ecstatic to go to Alma. But now I have a good dose of thought and care for who I am, those who have shaped me, and how to honor and hold on to these things.