Thankful Anti Fear List Thursday

• Howling at coyotes
• Allie giving me a calming back rub and the economists telling me to sleep and study more in the morning
• Pub quiz with Anna, Luke, Caroline, Jeremy, Deve, Cecelia and EricxEric
• Writing eric fan faction
• Pre calc team work
• Innovative coffee making because I broke my carafe.
• Rescuing the gourd with Monica and Paige from the Almanian dungeon
• Reunion cuddle with Boo for five thousand eons 
• Succeeding in being sneaky for once
• "Just ring the damn bells!"
• Sam visited Alma and we got pumpkin spice oreos!
• New sculpture thing in the ugly part of Holland
• JP's coffee is so so so sos osososososo so good
• Making cinnamon roll waffles with SOPHIE
• Trying to help Thomas get his phone out of a heating vent
• A very strange french movie I watched with Luke and the french students
• Relieving Almanian stress by listening to Luke and Allie and Paige and Monica play beautiful orchestra music
• A very special phone call from Paige at 11:30pm
• A beautiful coloring for Ian by my and contributed to by Luke who "did it for himself" not for Ian

I shouldn't

feel how I do right now- but that won't stop me from being an anxious piss baby.
I used to drive around Holland or bike and feel one part angsty one part exhilarated two parts full. Now I drive around and I am confused because I don't feel like I belong here anymore.

But I haven't settled in to Alma fully, so I feel I'm in purgatory. I haven't even let my leg hair fly free in Alma. I haven't let myself open up to people because I feel I should carry myself and not rely on others and I'm scared.

At least I have Boo to cuddle right now. Why am I not with Sophi and Thomas and Dylan right now. whaaat

ANTIFEAR LIST THURSDAY RISES FROM THE ASHES

It's been far too long my friend, you bring me hope, you rejuvenate me, you spread antifear

• I took a weird night time snow adventure with Jerome, Caroline, Michael, and Luke!
• Snow ball swing danced in the snow
• Successfully following as Luke did a blues to triple step to Charleston maneuver
• The wind couldn't thwart me and Pooge from smoking a tobacco pipe and then seeing Monica swim her heart out and then I took a nap with Pooge
• I took on Jerome, Luke, and Roger in a semi simultaneous battle
• I AM THE URBAN YOUTH AND MY HANDS SMELL LIKE TORTILLAS
• Walking in the night time winter snow while talking to Sam and remembering WO songs that will forever haunt me for better and for worse
• Talking to Monica while I eat refrozen ice cream
• Dopke told a story of the olden days when they had to calculate the sig figs of logs by hand and then gave us permission to respond, "That's a nice story grandpa."
• TEDx will not use Styrofoam. No.
• Lunch bond time with Anna
• Prayer team with super awesome The Lord's Prayer!

What I'm here for

It's been a long day. Tuesday's are grueling, just as everyday is academically at Alma College- and I have plenty of more homework and studying to do, but I felt it was important to write this now while the spark is in me.
I just watched and shared a video about the 6th era of extinction, which is happening right now. When I take in news about extinctions I become sad and my heart sinks and anxiety creeps in. I thought after this particular video, "Why don't people care? There are people who care and fight against extinction. But why are there so many who don't take the simplest steps to recycle or read the ways that "nuisances" such as wolves keep the ecosystem running?"
I've also had faltering moments while at Alma. I love Alma and it is my home, but it is a lot of work to be here. On bad days I question if I am intelligent enough to survive Alma or to deserve Alma.
The two ponderings, why people don't care about all these extinctions and if I am good enough to be at Alma, came together while I watched this video.
I deserve to attend Alma-I have what it takes to be at Alma- because I have passion. One of these passions is to fight extinction, fight pollution, and help humans coexist well with animals and the environment. I can obtain an education on what problems cause extinction and environmental damage. I can obtain an education on how to solve these problems. I can use what I learn to share with others my passion and spread a sense of caring. Because, extinction and pollution is not something that the few who already care and try and fight can conquer. It is a universal effort.
God is working through me and working in me and blessing me here. I am on my way to fulfilling dreams; I am fulfilling dreams; I am meeting new people I love; I am being helped by the people I love; and I am helping the people I love.
I am blessed to be here. I need to move forward and continue working hard with the knowledge that I am in the right place.

Here's the mentioned video

And here are some photos that remind me of how awesome Alma is and how much my friends and I belong here

I used to do this{ Animal of the day: Hummingbird hawk-moth

Hummingbird hawk-moths (Macroglossum stellatarum) are resilient through even the rain, which is odd for a moth. They also have the ability to recognize colors. Their memory seems to be quite good, exemplified by their return to the same flower beds every year.
These moths reside in the Old World of Europe and Asia: from Portugal to Japan in warm climates. There have been claimed sightings in Newfoundland, Canada as well. Though these sightings could be mistaking the hummingbird moth (Hemaris thysbe) of North America for the Hummingbird hawk-moth.
During the harsh Russian winters, just kidding Russia is too harsh for them, during winter the moths hide out in the crevices of rocks, buildings, trees and such. They may journey out on warmer days to look for food.
Hummingbird hawk-moth larvae are green with two cream stripes and a purple-red (later on blue with an orange tip) horn on their rear end.
The wings of the moth beat so fast, that they make an audible noise, like their namesake. As a pupae and full grown adult, the moths harbor a proboscis more prominent than most moths.