The other day I debated about an individual's ability to better the world. I argued that you don't need to be the charismatic earth shaker. You can be anyone and have a pinnacle affect on the charismatic earth shaker- if you feel that such a character is necessary for world change.
A few days ago I listened to aunt Deb's words on what family is like- it's frustrating but you've got to love anyway. She called today (again it was technically yesterday, again my body doesn't want to sleep tonight) for some business matters, but also to check up on me.
I share all these scenarios, because before Deb called me, I was at chapel. CMU's gospel choir enlightened our service with a worship unlike that I have ever experienced. A guest reverend from Flint garbed in a beautiful pink dress preached to us in honor of Martin Luther King and King's pursuit of God's desire: that all his children have different cultures, but in him we are one.
The last paragraph didn't provide a clear connection for the reader to understand what connects all the scenarios. Don't worry, the connection is coming, this shall be a more cohesive writing than I often produce.
I experienced two dark weeks upon my return to Alma for the new semester. Alma had nothing to do with the dark weeks. I was fighting against emotions and mentalities that scared me, hurt me, and pinned me. I forced myself to do the school work I usually am eager to do. I felt like withdrawing from friends- but was lonely by myself. My family experienced two deaths within a few weeks. I was having flashbacks to unpleasant memories. My usual spark was lost and I was frantically trying to find it.
Multiple times I falsely claimed that I was back to normal. I briefly thought I was, but I had not reached "normal" yet. Now with jubilation and relief I announce I truly am back to the self that I like. I like to go on impassioned and beneficial rants. I like to debate with people I care about and learn from. I like to bond and find comfort in the midst of hardship. I like to worship with a gospel choir and be shaken by the words of an unconventional, empowering, woman reverend. I like to feel the rush of emotions I am used to.
I did not like the absence of emotion the two dark weeks brought about.
I am back and swinging. I can help the environment. I can help stymie the 6th big extinction. I can love people. I can fight for equality among ethnicity, gender, and sexuality. I can do so many things even though there is a lot of hurt and a lot wrong in this world. I am back thanks to myself, thanks to my God, thanks to my family, and thanks to my friends.
The Bible states that "Sometimes it takes a painful experience to make us change our ways." Proverbs 20:30. My personal motto that somewhat aligns with this passage is this: sometimes I need to rage or feel a little unstable for awhile. I don't choose to do this, it just happens. But it forces me to fight for what I love and who I want to be, and once I come out on the other side, I am refreshed and ready to run at life and scoop up life again.
Some expressions of how I feel now
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