I know I don't know if I'm saying goodbye

Just now I read the extremely kind things friends spoke to me through yearbook signing and I cried. Last night I stood in a pond while three of my best friends sat on the bank talking about pokemon and they couldn't see my face but I was crying some until a group of coyotes in the distance disturbed all of our thoughts.

I am leaving for Alma in a week and up to this point I had been nothing but excited. No apprehension or fear stepped foot in my body. But in the past week an underlying stress has pestered me.

I am moving away for the first time and leaving the things I have always known. I've been through a lot of change but I've never faced an experience like this, an experience where everything is changing. I haven't been able to see Kelila (I never could fully sympathize with how Kelila felt moving away from Holland until now and times like this, when I can sympathize with something I couldn't in the past, I have a flash back in my mind and sympathize better with the person) every day since the beginning of our friendship. I haven't been able to see Odessa and Hava every day for half a year. Now I won't get to see any of my family or friends every day.

I know, contrary to what some may believe, that moving to college does not mandate goodbyes or the ending of friendships. I know I can write letters and come home to visit or have visitors or use social media or the phone. But no matter what there are permanent changes. I don't get to share my choir experiences with Mrs. Pierson or Sophie or Thomas or Parker or Mackenzie or Keyanna or Ally or Addie or Annie or Annika or Paige or Maddie or Sam or Doniven or Ania or Ms. Bergsma or Ms. Rowsy or Mrs. Florip or Mr. Dale Pierson or Andrew or Ms. Verdonk or Mr. Samson or Emma or Ricky or Danny or Caleb or Mandy or Felicia or the list goes on for a long time.

 I don't get to share a common town with the people I grew up with and the people who I came to meet. The people at Alma aren't going to understand Captain Sundae or the north and south side being separated by major stank or the escapes of Stu Visser trails, riley trails, tunnel park, insert your favorite nature area.

One can't constantly process and think about another's life as much as one experiences one's own life. That is why when we reunited with people we say things like, "I can't believe you're so big," "I can't believe you're already a Junior," "Just yesterday you were eating bugs while garbed in a diaper." While I am living my life in Alma, others' lives will keep moving as well and I won't be able to keep up with all the strands.

Alma will turn me in many directions and give me vast opportunities that may, as a side effect, take me further away from Holland and from everything I've known. I may go study the dance patterns of lizards in the Galapagos or sing in Scotland or serve in Swaziland and therefore spend even less time in Holland.

Even if I am not saying goodbye to everyone I know, big big changes are flooding in all at once and I have no idea how that will shake my life or my relationships and that is scary. I love so many people so much and I don't want to lose them to time or distance or lack of communication or being cut off.

I can do some things to prevent losing relationships. I can communicate a lot and visit home when possible. But many factors are out of my hands. So I must focus on what is in my power. I am very glad I got baptized in my LORD this summer and that I have a refreshing of soul and passion and spirit and that I can take on what ever God walks me through.

I am still ecstatic to go to Alma. But now I have a good dose of thought and care for who I am, those who have shaped me, and how to honor and hold on to these things.